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I rehearsed with increasing nervousness. I was the fourth person down the list, awaiting my turn to walk into the Oracy room and perform my well rehearsed monologue. The room was cold and empty as I practised over and over again, sometimes forgetting my lines and freezing as if paralysed, trying to remember what I had to say next. Aleisha came into the room at that moment, and told me that one of my class mates had freaked out and was crying. She said that I was going to be moved up to the 3rd person to act, as our class mate was probably not in the right state to perform. I nodded at this, and went on rehearsing. It wasn't unusual for someone to burst into tears before a major performance, nerves always grabs a hold of people.
At one particular point when I was running through my monologue I glanced out of the window, which overlooked the balcony, car park and oval outside the sport centre. As I looked out, I could see an ambulance pull into the car park. For some strange reason, I didn't think anything of it. Maybe someone had sprained their ankle while playing soccer? I shrugged the thought off and went on rehearsing. A few minutes later someone came into the room to tell me that I was to perform my monologue next. I stood up from the seat I was in and tried to gulp down the fear that had been rising inside my throat. I collected my belongings and walked out of the room silently. It's strange, when I'm nervous and about to perform I'm always quiet and don't say a word, which is very uncharacteristic of me.
I walked down the stairs and through the hall until I reached the room where the Oracy was taking place. I put my hand on the door knob, and as I turned it I could hear quiet chatter within.
"Alyce will be here soon, I've just sent someone to go and get h – Oh Alyce! Here she is now!" My teacher said as I entered the room. My fellow pupils were sitting on chairs on one side of the room and the other side was a cleared space, which would be the stage area. An elderly woman sat in the back centre of the room, who was going to be the examiner of my monologue. I gulped again, and blinked away the tears that were threatening to spill. Every eye was on me as I set up my stage, placing two chairs upon it.
"You may start when you are ready." said the examiner. With one last look at my teachers bright and smiley face, I proceeded to perform my monologue. I was acting quite well, remembering my lines and using the correct non-verbal communication when all of a sudden my other teacher came barging through the door. As this happened, the audience's eyes flew to the door, as well as mine. Almost instantly, I forgot me lines. I sat there in numbed silence trying to remember, muttering under my breath and thinking furiously of what I'd like to do to my teacher when my monologue was finished… The teacher went over and kneeled beside my other teacher and whispered something into her ear. She looked upset, but I didn't care. She had just interrupted my monologue and made me forget my lines.
Everyone looked back at me, their encouraging smiles pushing me on, telling me to keep going. I sat there for a few more seconds, my lines going over and over in my head. Where should I start? My teacher then left the room, and as she closed the door I remembered.
"But how was I supposed to know that this would happen? Yeah sure, I had God telling me not to go." I proceeded to say. At the end of my monologue everyone clapped. I had just scraped through, but I was still very annoyed and upset. I got up and went to move the chairs back off the stage, blinking back the tears that were threatening, once again, to gush out. The examiner went on to ask me questions and to perform an improvisation. I did well to answer the questions, seeing as I was on the verge of tears.
After the examiner had finished jotting down her notes I sat down in the audience. My class mates were congratulating me and saying how good it was. I just shook my head and said "No, it was crap! I was interrupted and totally forgot my lines!" They all went on to say how I did well to remember them and so on. I thanked them and waited for the next performer. I was eager to watch the next monologue, as I desperately wanted to forget about my own.
"Larissa, your next. Larissa? I think she has left the room for a minute. Could someone get her?" My teacher said. The next few minutes were confusing. Outside the shut door we could hear wailing and crying. A few other voices were heard, trying to clam the person down. My teacher went out to see what the commotion was about and entered back into the room a few minutes later.
"Sorry, it looks as if Larissa won't be able to perform for us either. Next person please." Again, I didn’'t think anything of it, but Aleisha did.
"She's upset about Chloe*." Said Aleisha next to me.
"What?"
"Chloe left in the ambulance."
"What? Ambulance? She was taken to hospital?"
"Yeah, I heard her crying before. She was howling at the bottom of the stairs while I was rehearsing. Mrs G went to her and took her away and into the ambulance." Dazed at the news, I sat there thinking it over. So that was why an ambulance had pulled into the car park and why my teacher had stormed into the room during my oracy.
"I think she cut herself again."
"Huh? She cuts herself?"
"Yeah, haven't you seen the scars on her arms and legs?" My head was racing. Chloe? Beautiful and caring Chloe cutting herself? No way... After the next performance was over, I quietly asked my teacher about what happened.
"Chloe was very upset, and overdosed. Mrs G found he' and phoned the ambulance. Chloe was just being silly about her monologue, that's all. You don’t have to worry about her, she'll be fine." My teacher whispered into my ear. I left after that and told Aleisha about what happened. We talked it over, wondering what she took. I then said a silent prayer in my head, asking God to watch over her. I didn't tell anybody else about what happened, as I didn't think Chloe would want people to know.

Two days later after the commotion of Chloe and the overdose, the drama students and I were sitting back in the drama room for period 1. My teacher handed out chocolates, congratulating us for performing well the other day. We all sat there happily munching away on our picnic bars, talking about our monologues and how we should improve. Mrs G had just turned to me and asked what I thought of my monologue, when the door opened behind us. The class looked to see who it was, and saw Chloe and Larissa walking in, Chloe in casual clothes and Larissa in uniform. Everyone instantly got up and welcomed her into the room, but Chloe didn't respond to the kind words.
"I want to read my monologue." She said firmly. Everyone agreed happily, although the cheerful voices seemed forced. Everyone sat down, and shouted out encouragements to Chloe as she got a chair and placed it in the middle of the stage area.
"Do you want me to mark you on this?" asked Mrs G.
"If you want, I don't care." As soon as Chloe sat down in that chair, I knew that I was not going to hear a cheery monologue. Just looking at Chloe made me dread what was going to come out of her mouth... the truth of all her pain she was feeling.
Firstly, she read us a note that she had written previously. It was ment for my class, and she was supposed to give it to Larissa so she could read it to us if she wasn't there. I sat there, soaking the words in, grief seeping through the walls of my heart and filling it up to the brim. I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe, all I could do was listen.
"My dad asked me not to overdose again. I said I wouldn't. But then I thought, why do these people want me to stay here when I don't want to? It's only their selfishness that makes me stay..." she read on. She then finished her letter and turned to her monologue that she had written on tatty pieces of paper. She read a poem first, written by Oscar Wilde and then preceded in reading out her monologue.
The class sat in silence. I saw people twitch nervously, I watched how peoples eyes grew redder and redder. I could hear nothing but the words coming out of that girl's mouth.
"I look at my unclothed body in the mirror and remember the bad things said to me throughout my life – and I cut. I cut when mum didn't get out of bed that morning. I cut when my dad and I fought. I cut when my true love asked my friend out. It seems that I have no place in the world. I don't know myself – so I cut. I cry and I cut. I cry and I cut. Then I cover my body with my clothes, look at my mirror the last time, and go to school..." These words cut right through me, as if I was the one that she was piercing with a blade. This made me remember the scars on her arms and legs. I had asked her once, where the cuts had come from. She had said that she had fallen on barbed wire...
I looked to my left as I sat there on the hard floor. I saw Tracey, one of her closer friends, sitting there with puffy red eyes. I heard sniffles and sobs all around me. I couldn't take it any longer. I looked down at my lap.
"Task 7 - Original Monologue. Task 7 - Original Monologue. Task 7 - Original Monolog..." I read over and over from my sheet that the teacher had given out before hand, which lay on my file in my lap. Chloe read on and on, of the pain she felt, how she didn't want to live on, she wanted to leave, she didn't want it...
I could feel a prickling sensation at the back of my eyes. I tried to blink it away, but as the chilling words sank through my skin and ran through my veins, I felt warm trickles of water run down my cheek and hit the sheet that was on my lap. How could someone so beautiful, caring, loving and funny be experiencing that? If you knew her, before the overdose, you wouldn't have any idea of what she was going through. She didn't show it. If I'd come to her and complain about a problem I had, she would listen and give me her support. She would not tell me of her own problems, she wouldn’t breathe a word. She cared about everyone, and would always try and make people laugh. Even if we told her these things, she wouldn't and didn't see herself the same way. She refused to.
And then she had finished. Nobody made a sound. We sat there, silent.
"Now you know how I feel, why I did it. I didn’t want you to go on without knowing how I felt, the pain I go through."
"What can we do to make you feel better?" Flick said to the left of me.
"Nothing."
"What makes you happy?"
Nothing makes me happy any more. I just want to know why you guys care for me so much." said Chloe.
"Your so funny! You always make us laugh. We love your jokes and games."
"You are such a caring person! All you care about is everyone else. If we come to you with a problem, you listen. You wouldn't even breathe a word about your own problems. You gave us support, when you were the one that needed it the most." I said. After I said this, it was the end of me. I leaned forward and put my face in my hands. I cried and cried as people got up and hugged Chloe, crying themselves. Many people left the room, not able to stand being in there, having to get away. I cried and cried. Deep sorrow filled me, as if I could feel the pain that Chloe was going through. I sobbed hard, alone, stiff and cold. Everyone around me shed tears. My other teacher came in the room and sat down wordlessly and watched. Mrs G left, not being able to handle it herself. I cried and cried, asking myself to stop. The sadness would not end, but burst out of my mouth and eyes, hot salty tears burning and falling. I cried for a long time, until I felt huge warm arms wrap around my body and hold me. It was awhile until I found out who was hugging me - it was Chloe. I lifted my own arms and wrapped them around her, as if I wasn't going to see her again. I felt that if I let her go, she would disappear, and I would never see her again. My friend, the carer.
"Thankyou." She whispered softly, in between sobs. I pulled away a little so I could say it.
"I love you Chloe."
"I love you too." And we hugged for ages, as if we'd never part.

After that I was just a wet and sniffling mess. I wore my sunnies for the rest of the day, even in classes. I barely said a word.

Please pray for her.

*Name has been changed.